Why do you do that??
Do you ever feel frustrated with your child’s behavior? Of course you do! We ALL do. When our kids do something we don’t like or understand, we are often left to wonder, “WHY did you do that?!”
Why didn’t you listen? Why did you throw your broccoli on the floor? Why did you hit your baby sister? Why didn’t you do your homework?
Sometimes it’s hard for us to understand why our kids do some of the things they do because we have our own expectations of their behavior. They should listen BECAUSE. Because why? Because we told them to? In order to respond in an effective way, we have to figure out the WHY. What is the reason/motivation/function of their behavior?
If your child is having a hard time, do a quick rundown… Could they…?
be hungry?
be tired?
sick or uncomfortable?
need attention or affection?
want something?
not want something?
From a behavioral perspective, we look at behaviors occurring for four reasons:
To get ATTENTION (e.g., hug from mom, laughter from peers, reprimand from teacher)
To get something TANGIBLE (e.g., food, toy, TV show, money)
To ESCAPE something (e.g., homework, unwanted food, loud sound)
Something that is AUTOMATICally or intrinsically reinforcing to the individual (e.g, sucking thumb, butterflies in your stomach when you swing high, having to line up the books on your shelf juuuust right)
And once we understand WHY someone does or doesn't do something, then we can figure out how to respond so that we increase (reinforce) desired behaviors and decrease/extinguish undesired behaviors.
Step 1: Acknowledge their want or feeling
Step 2: Offer them a “re-do” or a more appropriate way to get their wants and needs met
Step 3: If what they want isn’t available, offer them a choice or what they can have/do
Step 4: Hold your boundary
Let’s break down the four functions…
Function #1: Attention
Description: Gaining eye contact, verbal or physical attention from another person(s)
Gaining someone’s attention (appropriately) is an important social skill. However, your child may or may not distinguish between “positive/good” attention and “negative/bad” attention. If you like what they are doing to get your attention, by all means, reinforce it - give them the attention! But, if you don’t like what they are doing to get your attention (e.g., whining, yelling, aggressing, being too silly), ignoring it and prompting a more appropriate bid for attention will be more effective in reducing the unwanted behavior.
A = Antecedent B = Behavior C = Consequence
Example:
A: Mom on phone
B: Child yells “Moooommmm!”
C: Mom pauses phone conversation and reprimands child
If Mom keeps pausing her conversation to reprimand or answer her child, he’s getting exactly what he wants: her attention.
Before she gets on the phone, Mom can say, “I have a call. If you need me, tap my arm,” or another behavior to do instead of yelling for her. If he taps her arm appropriately, she can pause her conversation and attend to him. If he yells while she’s on the phone, she should silently indicate to him to tap her arm and then ignore any yelling until he taps.
Notes: 1. When you first start ignoring an undesired behavior, it may actually increase. This means the ignoring is working and the person is trying harder to get your attention. If you stick with the plan, there will be an eventual decrease.
2. If you decide to ignore an undesired behavior but the behavior continues and gets more intense and THEN you pay attention to it, you have just reinforced it and you’ll see the more intense behavior in the future. So be mindful of your ignoring - if you can’t do it, just teach the replacement behavior.
3. Ignoring a behavior will likely only decrease it if the function of that behavior is actually attention. If the child wants a toy and you ignore their crying, it won’t solve the problem. You have to teach them to appropriately communicate what they want.
Function #2: Access (to tangible item)
Description: Getting access to an item or activity
It’s very common for kids to “act out” to get what they want – it’s their form of communication. But in order to reduce whining, crying, yelling, or hitting, teach your child to ASK for what they want. Model for them how to verbally ask or sign for what they want, or for help, and reinforce the appropriate request!
Example:
A: Siblings playing; Brother takes sister’s car
B: Sister hits Brother
C: Brother cries and gives car back
Getting the car back after she hits will reinforce/increase the sister’s hitting - so she will keep hitting to get what she wants.
The kids can be taught to vocalize or sign for what they want instead of grab or hit to get it. A parent can prompt them to use their words by modeling what to say, “Say, ‘I want car.’”
Similarly, the sibling should be taught how to respond if they get their toy taken or get hit. Teach being assertive and saying, “That’s mine,” “Stop it,” or to tell a parent.
Function #3: Escape
Description: Doing something to avoid/get away from a person, item, activity, or stimulus
Kids are adept at asking questions, negotiating, and dilly-dallying to get out of or delay unwanted tasks like eating their vegetables, doing homework, and going to bed. Whether you see their tactics as clever or frustrating, you can set a boundary for what delays are allowed and for how long. (Especially because their teacher may be less amused by escape behaviors.) Teach your child to ask for a break if they have been doing a task for a while, to ask for help with difficult tasks, and that it’s okay to say, “No, I don’t want that.” Reinforce appropriate communication, but it will be up to you as their parents to decide if they have to do it anyway.
Example:
A: “It’s bedtime!”
B: Child runs around the house, not listening
C: Parents chase after him, negotiate extra time, read extra books to get him to calm down
Give warnings (“5 more minutes”) and/or set a timer before bedtime.
Reinforce completing each step of the routine and moving on to the next step.
Create a visual support - make a schedule of bedtime routine activities using words or pictures as a cue for the child to move on to the next activity. Have the end of the routine be something the child really enjoys like a song or story so they are motivated to get through the steps.
Function #4: Automatic
Everyone engages in “automatic” behaviors. It can be something as simple as twirling your hair, tapping your pen, or humming a song. They are things we do without even thinking about them because they “feel” good. Some of the more challenging automatic behaviors that your child may engage in are having to do things their way and being rigid about changing a routine or receiving help, or wanting to read/sing/play/eat/do/talk about the same thing over and over again. What makes these behaviors challenging is your child might have a tantrum if they don’t get to do them.
Teach communication and requests for what they want and to do things their way.
Use timers and phrases like “First —-, then —-” to set limits on how long they will be allowed to do something.
Before transitioning away from something, give a warning or allow something “one more time.”
