How do I teach my child to be kind and empathetic?

Our world has turned upside down. Watching the news is gut-wrenching and I struggle to find the words to express how I feel. My kids want to go to school but they understand why they can’t (my 5-year-old will tell you, “because coronavirus”).

And that makes me wonder: Why is it we are able to tell them openly and honestly about the pandemic and not about why there are protests going on all over the country? Because, even though it’s scary and confusing, the pandemic answers are basic: You have to stay home to stay safe and healthy. Why is it so hard to talk to them about the state of race relations in our country? Is it because they are too young to understand? Because I want to spare their innocence? Because I don’t want them to know the world can be a sad and scary place? Because I don’t want them to know just yet that people may not like them simply because they have brown skin? It’s uncomfortable and I don’t have all the answers to the questions they’re bound to ask.

Children aren’t born hating. They are born loving and accepting. So how do we ensure that they continue this love and acceptance as they grow? How do we raise good humans? I have had friends ask, “How do I teach my child to be kind and empathetic?” As a mom, I want the answers, too. We need our children and every generation to come, to be those things. As a behaviorist, I can try to break it down the way I would with any other behavior. . .

1.     DEFINE

Kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Empathy is defined as showing the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

Breaking down these qualities into observable behaviors will help us identify them in our children so we can reinforce/increase them. Kind behaviors might include saying “please” and “thank you,” helping a friend, helping a stranger, sharing, and giving without being asked. Empathetic behaviors might include observing others’ facial expressions and identifying their emotions, asking if they are okay, acknowledging and taking their perspectives.

2.     MODEL

From infancy, children watch and imitate their parents. They watch how we smile, how we hold our fork, how we talk on the phone, and how we interact with family, neighbors, community helpers, people with disabilities, and houseless people. They are taking it all in and learning from our model.

We can’t just tell our kids what to say and how to act, we have to show them. Since they are always watching us, it’s important that we model the behaviors we want them to demonstrate. Remember to say “please” and “thank you,” make eye contact, offer help, ask questions, give compliments, apologize, donate, volunteer, emote and acknowledge your feelings and the feelings of others. Perhaps most importantly, we need to model empathy when dealing with our kids’ behaviors by acknowledging their feelings and labeling their emotions.

3.        EXPOSE 

Expose your children to people who are different than they are. Expose them to novel places. Encourage them to try something new. This will allow them to feel comfortable and less afraid of people and situations that are unfamiliar. We should teach our children to identify their own emotions in a given situation, and to understand that if they are standing across from someone, that person may have a different view than they do. Instead of avoiding talking about race and differences, acknowledge and highlight them.

In addition to teaching our children that other people may have different opinions and perspectives, we can also teach them to identify what similarities they have. Perhaps they also like basketball, play the piano, or have a puppy. Showing our kids that people who look different and have had different experiences can still share commonalities, will serve to increase their empathy. 

4.         ENGAGE + TEACH

Okay, so now that I know what to teach, how do I do it?

Identify your child’s emotions, even from toddlerhood. When they are pouting or having a tantrum, label, “You’re mad,” “You seem sad,” or “I can see you’re frustrated.” In time, they will start to use these labels to describe their own behavior. As they get older, talk about why they feel that way and support them to problem-solve solutions.

With younger children, get down and play with them. Make silly faces and change your facial expressions to act out different feelings so they can learn how to identify when other people feel happy, excited, sad, scared, or angry. Observe your child’s play and join in with them. Act out scenarios with their dolls or figurines or role-play and see how they respond. Sit back to back with them in their bedroom or at the park and ask them what they can see and what you can see. Do they think you see the same thing they do, or do they understand that your view is different than theirs? 

No matter their age, spend time together reading books and watching shows and talk about the characters’ experiences, emotions, and perspectives. “Why do you think Daniel Tiger felt sad?” “How would Barbie feel if she wasn’t invited to her friend’s birthday party?” “How do you think Miles Morales felt when he saw Spiderman get killed?”

5.         REINFORCE

The biggest way we can teach our children to be kind and empathetic is to reinforce those behaviors when we see them. Just as you would cheer your child for taking their first steps or saying their first word, praise/reinforce them for acts of kindness and empathy. Take every situation as a learning opportunity.

With any behavior, it boils down to this: Reinforce the behaviors you want to see more of, and you will.

 Model, teach, reinforce. Repeat.