Being a ‘good’ parent doesn’t mean your child always has “good” behavior
As a newer, first-time mom, I was very concerned with my young toddler always having “good” behavior when we were in public. To me, “good” behavior meant my daughter sitting nicely in the cart/stroller, being cooperative, and not having a tantrum. And at the time, I believed that her having “good” behavior meant that I was a good mom.
So I did all the things I knew would increase her “good” behavior - brought snacks!, gave her lots of attention, let her know what was going to happen, gave her choices, and praised all of her “good” behaviors. But guess what? One day, even with all of my planning and prepping, she had a tantrum (gasp). In Target (gasp). In front of people (gasp!). In retrospect, it wasn’t even a bad one. She had just turned 2 and was not yet talking enough to be able to communicate what was wrong in her little world. I could feel my body getting warm as she started protesting, and I could feel the eyes of others around me.
That may have been her first public tantrum, but it certainly wasn’t her last. The biggest (so far) happened during the holidays last year. It was the first time I had taken my kids to a store since Covid. I needed to grab a quick gift and made the mistake of walking by the toy aisle. My daughter saw a Barbie camper that had been on her wish list for months (that she was going to get for Christmas). She wanted that camper so badly. She asked so nicely for it. She just couldn’t possibly wait for Christmas… I used all of the tools in my arsenal to calmly acknowledge how she was feeling and attempt guide her away. An older gentleman even approached me during this time to tell me how “good” I was with her. It took a while, but those big emotions built up and a huge tantrum ensued. I calmly picked up my daughter, carried her through the checkout line (because I still needed to get that gift), and was thankfully able to direct my son to hold on to my sweater while I maneuvered us out of the store and through the parking lot, with my daughter screaming and sobbing for the camper the whole way.
Instead of being mortified as I would have been years before that, I felt proud. Sure, there were eyes on me. Lots of them. And sure, there were probably a few who were judging me and my screaming child. But I think most of them were empathizing. (Because the reality is, if you have had a toddler, you have likely had to deal with a big tantrum.). I was proud I kept my cool. I was proud that I went through my laundry list of tantrum prevention and reduction strategies that I teach parents. I was proud that I held my boundary and didn’t buy the toy she wanted, even though it would have stopped the tantrum. And I was especially proud that I didn’t feel embarrassed by my daughter’s behavior.
Sometimes, we do all the ‘right’ things - we do the prepping, give the transition warnings and choices, and try to redirect their attention. We do everything we can and “should” in a certain situation and our kids STILL have a hard time. We parents aren’t perfect and our kids aren’t robots. Things don’t always go smoothly. And that’s okay. Each challenge is a learning opportunity for our kids and us - however mortified or stressed we feel in the moment.
So for any of you parents who have had to carry your screaming child out of a party, out of a store or restaurant, away from the park, or through a parking lot, you are (still) a great parent.
